Late night ramblings

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I was born with two kidneys or if my one kidney had never failed. I know I wouldn't be the same person at all but I wonder if I would have liked the person I became without having to deal with this.  I started dialysis shortly before my 25th birthday but I had known it was going to fail for a while before that. That knowledge shaped decisions that I made in my life which could be considered questionable at best sometimes.  For me, knowing at anytime that my kidney could fail led me to take advantage of every single opportunity that came along sometimes for the wrong reasons. I made decisions by saying why not? I could be dead tomorrow.

I had tests done when I was 18. To see how my kidney was functioning. I thought everything was fine but my blood pressure was high and my nephrologist at that time tried to get me to go on blood pressure meds but I refused. I often wonder if I would have listened to her if my kidney would have lasted longer. Who knows. I try not to think about decisions that I made in the past because there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change them. I was on and off blood pressure meds for the next few years but I was only on them when it suited me because of side effects of them. I am not a fan of medicine which is my choice but when it comes to my health I should have listened a little bit better. I suppose I feel guilty for contributing to my failure.

I think that has been the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. The guilt that I still feel for every little thing that goes wrong. When you are in charge of your treatments everything is on you. It's the same way in-center because you choose whether to take meds or not and whether to even go in for treatment or not. I can speak for others but I feel a huge responsibility for my health. Which in my mind is valid since if I don't do dialysis I will die. This month for example has been hell. I've been really sick and more than likely the whole thing is my fault for not realizing that I hemolyzed at some point during dialysis. This is the only logical explanation that my doctors can come up with for my hemoglobin dropping for 10.7 to 6 in a matter of a week since I had absolutely no other bleeding. I suppose that it is the risk that I take because I do nocturnal dialysis.  I watch during the first maybe 5 minutes of dialysis to make sure everything is okay and then I turn off the light and generally watch movies or read or hopefully sleep. Since I am the one who is in charge of everything all the bad stuff is my fault. I have always had an issue with blaming myself for things so of course I am beating myself up for this. Basically the entire month of July was a wash for me. Half the time I couldn't walk straight. But like my best friend, J, pointed out to me today a dinner all I can do is put it behind me, learn from it and move on. So this is what I shall try to do and hope August is a little bit better!